IfYouGiveAMindensenABlog

It's been a little over a week since my 22nd birthday, and FAR more weeks than that since my last blog. Since graduating from Outfitters over a year ago, I know that my blogs have become more and more spread apart, less consistent. Why is that? Is it b/c I don't have anything to share? Now that I'm back in "normalcy"? -living back at home with the fam, going to school, a summer NOT at camp, working a part time job... Does that really mean there aren't challenge's and life-lessons to learn and share? ...the answer is NO, but I ceased to pay attention... I got "caught-up", busy. Let my life roll for awhile. "Going through the motions" as the Matthew West puts it. I've tried to ignore it, and push the feeling of restlessness aside. I KNOW I'm thirsty, but I'm "content" with life as it is right, and that's a GOOD thing, right?! WRONG! The Bible has a word for those kinds of Christians "luke-warm" and in Revelations 3:16, Jesus spits them out of his mouths saying "You do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, and poor..."

In truth, when I sat down to write this, I did not plan on going here... but it's a place I needed to be brought to I suppose. The last couple weeks at church there have been some REALLY convicting and challenging messages... messages I'm still mulling over, but at some point I NEED to act.

I'll admit it, I have GREAT ambition. It's partly a pride-thing; I want to BE someone, I want to REALLY make a difference with my life. Right now, I have a pretty decent job working in the business world. It's a GREAT opportunity to gain experience, and get my foot into the international market world. It's exciting, and can be fun... but sometimes (okay, a LOT of times) on my 1.5hr (on average) commute drive home, I think to myself, "Is this REALLY all there is for me in the future?" "Is this REALLY all I want in life? To be successful in business?" and on the surface my answer is "Yes, I could do this for the rest of my life", but then I take a minute (or SEVERAL b/c I have them sitting in traffic) and I realize I feel the emptiness in that pursuit...

I started reading Ecclesiastes again the other day, and if you know me, you know it's a book I come back to a lot. It's a book I feel like I really relate to. Here's Solomon, the wisest man to EVER live, and he wants to DO something with his time on earth. Because of his VAST resources he is able to 'dabble' in a variety of things, and he records them in Ecclesiastes (for those of us withOUT said VAST amounts of resources)in order to show the futile-ness of life, and really of ANYTHING we could set-out to do on this earth. "Meaningless, Meaningless," he says. Which at this point you are now all probably thinking... "how depressing, and you LIKE this book...", however there is HOPE. Ecclesiastes 2:24-25 (emphasis mine)... "A man can do NOTHING better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without HIM, who can eat or find enjoyment?" The KEY here is GOD. There are PLENTY of things we can find to do in order to pass the time in this life. However, only GOD can bring meaning to it. Without HIM there is nothing...

A verse that I keep coming back to recently is Psalm 127:1a "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain..." It doesn't matter how HARD I work, how much effort I put into something, if God isn't in my planning, it's meaningless. If it's not something I'd doing WITH and FOR HIM, it all is for naught. It doesn't matter what grades I get, the job I work, the how much money I make, how "spiritual" I am, how much I go to church, how much I donate, how many friends I have, what kinds of relationships I try to build... they are all pointless if I don't include GOD...

So, I'd like to end this on a "happy", "inspiring" note, but I can't... I feel like I'm wasting my life away, and I don't know how to change it... I'm not sure I want to... I LIKE my life the way it is... it's not perfect... but there aren't waves... :/ It's like I'm dying for an adventure on the sea, but am content to play on the beach where the waves can't get me... how sad is that?

Luckily, I have a God who can calm those seas! (Mark 4)... I definitely was NOT planning on getting to THAT verse...

God... I don't want to waste my life. I want to live a life that is holy and pleasing to You. God, You have a plan, and it's a GREAT one. Help me to seek YOU in ALL things, as You promise I will FIND You if I look with ALL my heart (Jeremiah 29:11-...) LORD, I love You, and I don't want to be "luke-warm", but I NEED Your help to change... God, I want to truly give my life to You, but You are going to have to help me lay it down. I can NOT let go on my own. I can already feel the resistance in me, and the complacency settling in... I WANT, to WANT to change... so here's my SOS. Save me God from myself, as only You can. Thank You Father for Your LOVE, and forgiveness... everyday I a realize more and more how MUCH I need them... and TOTALLY do NOT deserve them. Your GRACE is TRULY AMAZING! -Amen

So, there it is... that's what's been on my heart and mind... read, don't read, be challenged, don't be... but PLEASE pray for me... clearly I need it! ...and let me know if I can be praying for you...

God is GOOD! ♥